Hear me growl, watch me grow

Crying seems to be the only way out

Have you ever tried bottling up your emotions in a bottle and had it well hidden in your heart? You concealed it so well that no one could detect its existence. At times, the emotions were so great and so full that it threatened to spill out; but you controlled it and told yourself that " everything is under control"
Sometimes, the emotions was till an unbearble point and it shaked so vigorously that it was beyond control. No matter how hard you tried to control the bottled feeling, some escaped and spilled out. (In the form of tears)

That was how i always feel. No matter how unhappy i was, i would put on a happy front-- A mask that i put on when i meet people. No matter how sad i felt, i would always laugh and behave like a mad women to entertain people. (No wonder Stevem Lim would ask me which drama theatre I am from)

When i feel really upset and it was already beynd control, i would buried my face in my warm pillow and weep. Weeping silently and carefully so that no one could hear me and no one would detect my unhappiness.

I feel as if I had no friends around me. No one to seek consolences when i felt really lousy, no one to be my shelter when i needed one, no one to shield all the hurts from me when i was shot. I am beginning to shun away from the crowd, I am beginning to hate my life, I am beginning to fall into a deep well where even I, cant see the bottom of the well. I turned back, trying to climb back to where the sunlight was shining through but find it impossible due to gravity.

Something seems to be stabbing at my heart. The pain is intolerable. I called up Steve but he was angry with me. He hung up the phone promptly and the pain escalated. I hate myself for being who i am. I hate myself for looking like how i looked, dressing like how i dressed, talking like how i talked and feeling like how i felt.

I did not comprehend why everyone think I am a 'cheongster' and that my favourite hobby is clubbing. They said I just looked like one. I hate people who keep saying that I put on make up when i put on none and keep inisting that I cant go out without make up when I always do that when i go to school. So that boils down to the problem of how i looked.

I hate people who think I am very open minded and had high sex life when in actual fact i am very conservative and had no interest in Sex. I hate intimdation to the point that Steve had to ask me to go for check ups. So that boils down to how I dresseed.

I hate being so straight forward and always saying things that hurt people without even me realizing it. I hate cracking jokes and had people taken it seriously. I hate having to say something and people doubting it.

Me : "I sleep at ten daily"
X: " Really?" With an unbelieving face
Me: "I dun go clubbing"
X: "Are you sure? Dun Act!"
Me: "Dancing is a form of ART, its for performance and not for clubbing"
Y: "Dun act 'class' "

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! And that hurts. So that boils down to how i talked.

Admist all the tight schedule and the struggle to maintain my school work, my work and my tuition, i had to find time to plan gathering for them. I put in a lot of effort, trying to think of the place to go, trying to estimate the time and trying to juggle between the convenience for all people and maintaning the fun. I was seriously very stressed up.

I enjoyed myself tremendously in the evening when mok and ji xiang met up with daph and me. We had lots fun cracking jokes and entertaining each other. Even mok was joining in the fun by being the maid. HAHA!

I did not know why but I just had this feeling that he doesnt like me. (BTW, I trust my feeling) He carries that detest look on his face when he talks to me and it was obvious that he likes daph and ling more. Everything I did seem wrong to him. The decision not to stay at Daph's house seems immoral to him; cracking jokes about mok seems unethical to him; declaring i sleep early seems to disturb him; not contacting steve seems to bother him. (BTW, my hp batt was flat and i had diverted calls from my phone to daph's phone. I waited for his call the whole night. Apparently, the divert call function was not working on my phone. Thus, this lead to a misunderstanding and the unhappiness that was boiling inside Steve. He thought i had forgotten about him. How could I? )

I spent so much effort planning, jeopardizing and sacrificing my sleep. (I slept at 3 plus last night and it was a remarkable record for me.) Yet, it was not even appreciated. Well, guess I can only blame myself for being a lousy organiser. I guess there would be no next time for late hang outs like that.

I did not know why but i was feeling really miserable and my mind was filled with things i ought not to think about. I hate the idea that I am not well to do and had to pay for my own school fees. I hate the fact that I had more guys frens than gal frens. I hate the fact that I am MYSELF!

posted by littlegal @ 10:26 AM